NEW TREK: The Motion Picture

There’s a large part of me that simply wants to give this movie a Pass, that is ignore the little mistakes, let the larger problems slide past, turn a blind eye to the weaknesses of plot and premise. 

 

The reason part of me feels this way is that historically journalists and film critics like to rain on the Trek parade with reviews that nickel and dime it to death for the lamest of reasons.  Normally.  For some reason the 2009 Star Trek movie seems to be the exception. 

 

For the first time in history nearly every critic has given a Star Trek movie a good review, some have been glowing, and even the ones determined to find something bad to say are limiting themselves to the painfully obvious “over-hyped” complaint.

 

There’s also the fact that for a hardcore Trekker like myself even bad Trek is better than no Trek and the 5 year long stretch of no Trek I’ve been living with since the TV series “Enterprise” went off the air has been painful indeed. 

 

I’ve tried desperately to keep my inner sci-fi child alive by watching the entire Babylon 5 series, which only reinforced what was missing in my life.   I even tried to keep the soft-fuzzy geek core of my being going with the new Galactica but that has proven to be an act only slightly less painful than total Trek withdrawal. 

 

Where Star Trek is a gleaming vision of hope about a future worth working towards, the new Battlestar Galactica is a reason to up your dosage of prozac or put your Analyst on danger pay.  In other words, “It’s a pill!”

 

But ‘success breeds more’ as the saying goes, and if I want more sci-fi and Star Trek in particular then what comes along has to be praised, nurtured and revered even if it’s barely watchable.

 

Because producers have balked about doing Sci-Fi because its such a tough market and Star Trek is the notoriously petulant child of the genre.  But the problem with Trek is also its strength.  For some reason this is a series/story that has never before re-cast a major role.  When Jeffrey Hunter wasn’t available for the second pilot in 1966 the creator came up with a new character and Captain Pike was replaced by Captain Kirk.

 

When the retro-phase first gained ground in the 80’s, Star Trek’s creator didn’t find young nubile background players from 90210 and start over with the early adventures of Kirk and company; he jumped 80 years later into their future and continued.  Different ship, same name.  Different uniforms, same emblems.  Different toys, same terms.  It was the same as the original, but different.

 

And then, as that story progressed, instead of rebuking what had come before, they worked very hard to conform to it, creating an increasingly difficult mountain of “canon” to follow.

 

Now, personally I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.  The Star Trek encyclopedia is only 600 pages long and there aren’t even a thousand hours of the show yet.  It really shouldn’t be that hard to keep in mind that Spock didn’t have siblings, while the guy who invented Warp Drive was from Alpha Centauri; but Hollywood people don’t like books and stuff and looking up that stuff was apparently really hard work because they kept getting these simple things wrong.

 

I mean, crack a spin people!  We know it’s possible.  US politics has more than 230 years of history behind it with hundreds of thousands of pages of agreements, resolutions, treaties and declarations and somehow the West Wing managed to produce 7 full seasons without making the first President of the United States a Frenchman. 

 

But I know the temptation to break the rules is genetically infused in the creative mind so it was obvious that anyone new making a Trek film would want to re-boot it.  In fact, many critics have been clamouring for just that.

 

And knowing I don’t handle change well so I’d been following the development of this movie from the beginning on the very simple premise that it was better to have a thousand little seizures before I saw the film than one massive aneurism while watching it.

 

So despite design quibbles about cheesy looking chrome phasers instead of realistic looking black ones; or flared warp cowlings that looked like something borrowed from a 57 Chevy muscle car; I’ve been able to keep my enthusiasm up about the movie. 

 

And I’d deliberately exposed myself to enough of the advanced clips and such that all the shock value of how uncharming Kirk would be (compared to the boyish mischief Bill Shatner gave him) or how pessimistic McCoy would be (compared to the folksy cynicism of DeForest Kelley’s portrayal) or how much more like an Apple Store the bridge looked was all going to roll off me like water on a duck’s back. 

 

And that’s because I’ve spent most of the last 35 years in that Universe and could’ve woken up in any stateroom of that ship and move through it as if it were my normal existence, so the radical changes thrust upon it needed to be absorbed before I sat through the reality of the story.

 

But the alternative to screaming uncontrably in the theatre as I noticed that every little detail was wrong had a downside.  Without the overwhelming shock value of the changes to distract me I was forced to pay attention to the story.

 

Ergo this negative review, the first and apparently only negative review of JJ Abram’s New Trek movie that does not attack it for being different from the beloved original, but instead is negative because the movie’s plot doesn’t really hold up.

 

And let me preface this by saying it’s a gorgeous film.  Some have argued it might be bad Trek but maybe it’s a good movie.  We’ll, much as I want to give them that, I can’t, because it isn’t.   This movie has a plot hole large enough to send an exploding sun through.  And its plot is so straight forwardly bad that I’m stunned I’m the first to point this out.

 

Now, I’d had high hopes on that going in too.  I’m a fan of LOST and they’ve done an amazing job of retaining credibility despite some of the most convoluted story telling in the history of stories.  Whether you like it or not I dare you to find a single major inconsistency that can’t be easily explained and addressed by visual evidence and clips from the show itself.  No “unspoken back-history filler” required.  LOST stands up on its own internal logic.

 

So with 2 of the 3 same people involved in writing the New Trek movie I fully expected they could keep up the same level of skillful storytelling for at least the 2 hours a motion picture required.  Sadly that’s one of the first area’s the movie fails in.

 

So let’s start with that.  The premise of New Trek: The Motion Picture, a JJ Abrams film, is that 134 years in the future a sun near Romulus (pointy eared bad guys sort of related to Spock’s people) goes Mega Nova and destroys the planet Romulus. 

 

Nero (leader of the surviving Romulans) is devastated.  His wife and unborn child were on Romulus when it exploded and now they’re dead.

 

Why, you may ask, does he blame old Spock for this?  Well, apparently old Spock was the Federation Ambassador to Romulus and when the evidence came in that this star would Mega Nova he promised Nero he would personally take their case to the Federation.

 

Which he did.

 

Unfortunately the only way to stop the star was to use a highly volatile material called Red Matter which the Vulcans had developed and didn’t trust in the hands of Romulans, or in the hands of old Spock who had been among the Romulans for so long that his motives are being questioned by his own people.

 

So old Spock couldn’t get the Red Matter, and the star exploded, and Nero’s family was wiped out.

 

Nero was devastated and angry, and naturally his anger turned toward old Spock and the Federation he works for, and the Vulcan’s who withheld the help he needed to save his wife and unborn child.

 

Then matters get worse.  The star isn’t just a Super Nova blowing up its star system, it’s a Mega Nova, expanding out beyond it’s star system, wiping out every other star system it finds.  Quickly the Vulcans realize that unless its stopped this Mega Nova will consume all of the Romulan Empire and half the Federation, including Vulcan and Earth.

 

So they give old Spock a ship, and enough Red Matter to cause the center of the Galaxy to contract into a black hole and send him off to save the day.

 

Nero sees this and chases after Spock, and in blind rage almost prevent old Spock from stopping the Mega Nova.  In the process Nero’s ship is pulled into the singularity created by old Spock.

 

Putting aside the incredible coincidence that Nero’s ship comes out directly in the path of a starship 150 years earlier that just happens to have Kirk’s parents on it; and putting aside the incredible coincidence that Kirk hasn’t been born yet; and putting aside the fact that Nero has no clue when or where he is; it just so happens that this ship from the future opens fire on the archaic Starship, tearing it to crap and killing Kirk’s father just as the future starship Captain is born.

 

And so Kirk grows up an unloved, aimless, wreck and almost completely misses his calling to join Starfleet until some crotchety old coot challenges him to do better than engaging in bar fights in the middle of rural Iowa.

 

Have you spotted the problem with the premise yet?  No?  Okay, lets continue.

 

Kirk eventually gets to Starfleet Academy and belatedly resumes his destiny.  Then we cut to Nero on his ship, waiting patiently at the same spot where he first arrived in this timeline.  Full of expectation that any minute now old Spock in his little guppy ship is going to come out. 

 

Why he knows this is anyone’s guess.  He went through first with no proof that old Spock was going to follow, but his coincidence detector is right on and in a convulsion reminiscent of V’Ger spitting Spock out in the first film, old Spock’s powerless ship is belched through the time anomaly.

 

Next thing we know Nero’s ship is attacking Vulcan.  Drilling a hole into its core so it can drop some of the Red Matter taken from old Spock’s ship into the heart of Vulcan and blow it up!  Well, implode it down, to be more accurate.

 

And now, the problem with this whole premise is fully revealed.  The paradox created means no matter what happens in the 134 years following this story that none of the events that made this particular timeline possible will happen.

 

1>    If the Mega Nova isn’t stopped 134 years later then half the galaxy is destroyed, including Nero and his family.  Nero will have no reason to blame the Vulcans, or the Federation, as he won’t even know about their involvement.  And the Red Matter implosion that stops the Mega Nova won’t occur to pull him back in time.  Ergo, this timeline doesn’t occur and the Federation is screwed.

2>    If the Federation can find a way to stop the Mega Nova then there’s no reason not to do it BEFORE it consumes Romulus.  Therefore Nero and his family will not perish and Nero will not go back in time.  Ergo, this timeline doesn’t occur.

3>    If the Federation cannot find a way to stop the Mega Nova in time, there’s no reason not to warn Romulus before it blows.  Therefore Nero and his family will have time to escape and Nero will not go back in time.  Ergo, this timeline doesn’t occur.

4>    If the Romulans don’t trust the Federation enough to listen to the warning then the Mega Nova consumes Romulus and it won’t be Spock, or Vulcan’s fault.  And even if Nero does blame Spock there is no Vulcan.  Regardless, without the Red Matter implosion Nero cannot not go back in time.  Ergo, this timeline doesn’t occur.

 

In fact, there isn’t a single way I’ve been able to come up with that allows this timeline to occur.  Nero has destroyed Vulcan.  New Kirk and New Spock destroyed Nero in the past with the last remaining bits of Red Matter.  No matter what happens next ultimately the events which caused this timeline will not cause it to happen.

 

So ultimately, this story is irrelevant.  A simple twist of logic rips it to shreds and it doesn’t matter what JJ Abrams and his writers do to ‘this’ storyline because this storyline is doomed to end, one way or another.

 

And because this whole thing is pointless the story loses all emotional punch for me.  It’s an irrelevant, unimportant tale that will be overwritten the moment Nero was supposed to go into the past.  The problem is, that fact is so amazingly obvious and apparent that I realized it WHILE watching the movie, which means it’s not a very good story either.

 

And none of the above complaints have anything to do with whether its good Trek or bad Trek. 

 

But on the subject of Good Trek and Bad Trek, it’s bad Trek and here’s why… 

 

The magically thing about the Original Star Trek is that each week you sat down for a morality play, and the moral was that tolerance was good, taking the high road was best, and the best way to defeat an evil person was by overwhelming them with Ghandiesque offers of help even though they keep punching you because it really, really shames them!

 

For example, in the classic Trek episode “DEVIL IN THE DARK” a group of miners are freaking because this super acidic creature is coming out of the rocks and killing them one by one.  Kirk and company are sent to help but a Starship it too big to fit in the tunnels so they don’t know what to do.  Kirk comes across a room full of perfect spheres which the Head Miner says are all over the place and made of a worthless abundant ore. 

 

Spock gets close enough to the creature to learn it’s the last of its kind and that puts him in an ethical dilemma.  Killing it is a crime against Science, but it’s standing in the way of good old progress.  At the climax the creature is injured but instead of just killing it Spock mind-melds with it, learning that it’s a mother and its eggs are the same perfect sphere’s the miners have been trashing as worthless.  It wasn’t evil, it was just trying to protect the next generation of its kind from us monsters.  Lesson: “Sometimes your opponent has a very good reason for attacking you, find out what it is first and if you can solve it, do so.”

 

In “NEW TREK” Nero has seen his family and home destroyed by a futuristic, uncaring Federation and given the opportunity to exact vengeance he takes it by killing Kirk’s father and destroying Spock’s home planet 134 years before they can hurt him.  When Kirk and Spock have finally figured out what’s going on they have a moment near the end when they could hold out the hand of friendship, offer to help Nero make sure that star never has a chance to destroy his world or his family.  “Work with us to ensure the future that made you this way never happens.”  They do but use the first refusal Nero gives as an excuse to “fire everything they have” at him.  The resulting implosion that response creates is almost powerful enough to suck the Enterprise in with their opponent (talk about instant Kharma).  Lesson:  “Offer to help but at the first opportunity screw the bastard even if it almost kills you!”

 

Just before that I’m sitting in the theatre wondering if they could somehow surprise me.  As the film was wrapping up and Nero was on the verge of the abyss it really looked like they might actually pull a Trek ending out of this movie. 

 

They dangled that classic Trek carrot in the air for a full two minutes, and then yanked it away with a visual “psyche”.  Unfortunately, after 4 seasons of the new Galactica I had no faith in humanity and never believed they’d rise above that now classic movie cliché of petty retribution.  Had they risen above it I would’ve fallen out of my chair.  Grace and generosity at the moment of triumph – how novel a plot twist that would’ve been?  How Trek that would’ve been.

 

But as I’ve already established, it doesn’t matter.  So go nuts, JJ.  Bring on Khan!  Kill Scotty!  Have a car chase through the Engine room of the Enterprise.  Your universe is pointless and nothing you do with it matters anymore because of it.